I WISH MY BRAIN HAD A MAP TO TELL ME WHERE MY HEART SHOULD GO.

Silent Panic

He was so tiny and so very fragile and yet I see them forcing a catheter right into his nose and all the way into his throat. They said it was to help make him feel better. It looks like they only wanted to suck the life out of him. He turned all red and tried to scream his lungs out but there was not even a whimper to be heard. All I see and hear is him suffering. I felt his pain, I wanted to cry with him, I wanted to make them stop, I wanted to protect him and carry him in my arms but that wasn't professional. What does being professional exactly mean? That I should lose my feelings and turn numb? That I should feel nothing when I hear someone lost their loved ones the night before when I was away feeling all good and happy with my own loved ones? The more I get to know what I've got myself into, the more I panic silently. Nobody hears me. I'm afraid to tell it out loud simply because I'm always convincing myself that I made the right choice. The truth is, I'm not afraid anymore. I've got the courage now to be true to myself. To tell myself that this is not what I really wanted. To calm myself down and feel at ease, at peace. The problem now is.. where do I go from here? Isn't it too late.?

Every elevator ride has a moment of flash lightning.

I'm sure everyone knows and has heard the myths about death. Most of what I've learnt I picked it all up from the TV. Those myths about where you go in the afterlife, the thing about walking towards the light, lingering around loved ones for a bit before crossing over or simply even staying back for a good time and I mean Revenge..!! I got it all from the movies I watch. The myth that provoked my curiosity the most was the one that goes like, "there'll be a fraction of a second when your whole life flashes right in front of you before something bad is about to occur." I'm guessing that the contents of the quick flash will all be about what has happened in your life rather than what you're about to miss in life if you don't make it alive. To be more precise, the flash is in 'past tense'. So basically it happens like this, you're about to get hit and ** BHAM..!!** your life flashes like a lightning right in front of you, all in 'past tense' and all of a sudden you're either walking towards the light or you hear voices in the distance. The funny thing is, these fast flashes, it happens to me all the time. Well, it doesn't mean that I'm always on the verge of death. It simply means that I'm in an elevator. I live on the 3rd floor. So when I take the elevator, I'm actually taking a lightning flash ride. As I enter the elevator and the moment the door closes, **BHAM...!!** my life actually flashes right in front of me. It's not like my whole life comes in that flash, just a tiny fragment of it maybe. Believe me, it does happen..!! The elevator door portrays a portal that shows a 3D version of my thoughts. Now, that portal on the contrary, doesn't show things in 'past tense' and focuses more on the 'future tense'. Like a reminder, an impulse keeping me on track hinting me not to deviate or get derailed. I never realized this till today. I tried not to think about anything when I entered the elevator today. The silence seemed kinda awkward to be honest. there were so many of us yet it was disturbingly quiet in there. To keep myself occupied till I get to the 3rd floor I concentrated on figuring out what will be on my mind when I take on my usual elevator rides instead. The result is what I'm putting down into words right now. Sometimes I move around on empty thoughts, like a zombie but I guess I'm running on a subconscious mode. I'm ready to resume back to reality after flashing moments like these. If an elevator ride can have severe impact on someone but in a positive way, then I would suggest everyone to simply enter an elevator and choose a floor. But let me warn you, do not choose a high rise building cos I'm afraid by the time you get there things might go bad and all you want to do when you get to the top is to jump down the building..!! 

A place called Home.

The point where the sea meets the sky is known as the horizon. As for the place where the old meets the new is called PENANG. It blends in, both the old and the new. You can't really tell the difference because it comes as one. Modernly ancient, that's what it is. My lovely Penang. She's a woman whose attractions have never failed to fade away. She's sure to get everyone falling for her even from their very first visit. She's indeed the Pearl of the Orient..!!

Through my window's eyes...

I live in matchbox sized room overlooking thousand other matchbox rooms of a big UNO like block. It seems as though if enough matchboxes are taken away, the whole block would collapse. It does seem kinda sad having to live in a space where there's no sufficient space at all but lately my perspective of things has taken a major makeover. I found myself wondering that if I could and made my living these 3 years in a simple matchbox sized room and am contented with it, I don't actually need the finest things in life to be happy. What I need is an optimistic me trying to make a fine living with whatever I have. Of course I'll work on wanting to make things better but the real point here is about living for now. I used to be the person who'll put things in future tense as in "when I have the money, I'll buy that." or if I see something nice I'll be like "soon, soon." It made me realize that I'm just wasting my time. What am I doing keeping everything for the future.?? How if something bad happens and I'm not able to enjoy it in the future..?? So, what I'm trying to prove is that everything is not solely about having the materialistically perfect life that everyone crave. It is about feeling and being satisfied with the happiness that surrounds us. I'm too busy pitying myself for not having this and that that I forget to cherish the priceless things around me. The beautiful people and their company , the delicious food , the fine clothes , the excellent education and the good health. I realize I am able to create my own materialistically perfect life. The only difference is, my materials have more life and soul in it than materials that carry a high price. Well, I have more gratitude now for everything around me. I secretly and silently say my prayers thanking the All Mighty for everything that He have bestowed upon me although I do complain once in a while. I'm just another plain person. I've got to maintain the balance. Too much of good is bad too..!! I had my perspective of things changed while I was looking out the window of my matchbox sized room. When I looked out, I spotted a group of  five to six boys without their t-shirts on in another matchbox room on the opposite block laughing and dancing in that space where there's no space at all. What mattered to them the most at that time was just how they're feeling having those company, having fun. The space, it didn't bother them at all. It seemed as though what they were saying is "Who cares..!! We're having fun and we're creating memories." That's what I saw when I looked through my window's eyes. My window changed my point of view. 

Getting Started

Now, where and how should I start..?? I've always wanted to do this, putting my thoughts into words and being able to read through it whenever i want especially when I know that sooner or later (the later the better..!!) my fresh young mind would wilt away without my permission snatching away my very precious memory database. So, in away this is good. Several friends provoked my interest in blogging so much that I bought the idea to try it myself but I do find it hard when it comes to me writing my part of whatever I want to tell because the flow of ideas from my end is certainly coming through some very bumpy roads. Nothing is that easy indeed. When I was reading other blogs it sure seemed simpler and a lot more interesting. I lose myself in their words and out of nowhere time is rushing to God knows where..! Being creative that's what all this is about. I know it does sound kinda lame to realize it now but I am old school and i'm not proud nor embarrassed to say it out loud. All these concept about updating yourself in sync with technology, I'm always left behind..! I may be late but I get there slow and steady. It took me a while to understand how it works this whole blogging and stuffs but delving into this project is so much better than having to face my cold assignment topics. The word BLOG sound so much warmer and I can't believe I'm just typing away without having to worry about plagiarizing someone else's work. It feels so free and so right. So, that'll be it for my fist post. I hope its enough and that the introduction is good. A toast for my first post and for many more to come. Cheers.!!!